It is a common assumption that you learn more through failing or mistakes then you do from success. This sentiment goes back generations in wisdom giving, and advice, it even seeps into being good with girls, but it is wrong. Dead wrong. You need successes in order to learn anything from failures, for no success gives you only a constant negative feed back loop, and no carrot that dangles in front of you. I suspect there’s a large segment of men who go their own way, who just give up on women, the concept, or on other societal levels, stop looking for jobs because they’ve done nothing but fail their entire lives fall into these categories. Take out hope and we are all lost in the void of despair. We as humans need success, we don’t need a lot of success, but we need a little bit, to at least keep us interested in moving forward, growing, searching, learning, etc. Even small successes gives us the proper sign posts on evaluating our failures, for with out a success, you would and could have no concept why you are failing, with out understanding why you succeeded before hand, failing means nothing but something you always do, and your subconscious reinforces this, for it has never witnessed first hand what it’s like to win.
This very reason is why it’s almost completely impossible to get through to someone who has this mindset that no matter what they will do, they will fail, and nothing you can say can be the carrot dangled on the string that will get them out of that thinking. They need some sort of success. When the individual gets older, and this belief is more cemented in their heads, even some successes become just luck, or occasional fortune done by nothing the person did specifically, just the random series of events statistically going in their favor, and probably wasted on something they don’t really want of care about. With out enough successful attempts at something, we allow ourselves to believe we can’t do something, period. It becomes absolute truth. Many dreams have died because of this lack of tenacity.
Some of my advice, the manosphere’s advice, will never help these types of men, because they are un-reachable, lost causes, doomed for their own self fulfilling prophecy, they believe it and it happens. You’ve seen the rise of sham artists selling these very people things like ‘the secret’ where they take concepts from religious sources and success strategies and boil them into some pseudo magical force like system – they try and change your mind patterns to obtain success. These techniques aren’t inaccurate, you do need to use and control your subconscious, and you can change your deep routed thought patterns and create a different mind and outlook, and thus obtain success, but things like the secret ruin it, because it becomes a reinforcement of the early self fulfilling prophecy because simply thinking and focusing on the impossible will not make it possible. Instead of telling the reader’s the truth, and actual helpful details that this will be a hard laborious journey where you will need mental commitment, and that the changes will be small for a while, and the successes, not major, until you’ve completely changed from a person who will always fail, to someone who has some successes, and can finally start learning from the mistakes they’ve made in life.
Take a man trying to learn game, and if not properly given the realities of things like this: If a girl isn’t attracted to you, no amount of gaming her will work on her – meaning, if she doesn’t fall for your hook, it’s a lost cause. If a padawan doesn’t get this concept he can do more damage to himself, and may even turn him away from positive and proper instruction. Many game detractors spurn and launch attacks on game, because it wasn’t the magic pill that they perceived it to be, and with a lot of reason, many of the things being sold to them is done so in a very ‘the secret’ like way. Game is not a magic pill, it is wisdom, given to you from men who have had success. How much success and success with only 9′s and 10′s is irrelevant, have they had success with girls? That’s relevant, most men needing help will never hit a 9 or 10 with out paying for it, game or no game. They may have a shot with one, with game, but I gather most men know this isn’t a reality for them – selling them on the belief that they can get a 9 or 10 out of game gives them the wrong message. If they do get one, it may be after years of practice and honing their skills and style, but the quick now you can bang models, illusion that is hinted at in some PUA material, does a disservice. I believe game blogs can turn away a lot of the guys that are beta, and just want some success with girls, so they can live a happy fulfilled life with out becoming a player going out multiple times a week to get laid. Nothing wrong with either, but both need game as much as the other. But, game is not the magic object that will 100% get you laid. It gives you the tools to seek success, and allows you to measure that success against your failures. Only when you start getting better, can you start learning from what you are doing wrong.
Our culture does not do well in teaching people that success comes from hard work, talent, persistence, and passion. It does not come in instant gratification. It does not reinforce the concept of putting in a lot of time and energy and paying your dues before you start to get successes, our failures do not make us stronger – we are inundated (with nefarious reasons) of hip hop stars, sports stars, and actors and famous people, who all got rich and came from where you are. Feeding you the message that this is how you need to measure yourself, thinking that the instant break that these famous people got is all you need, not the hard work some of them needed to do. We’re looking for the high paying job right out of school, we are entitled to everything, we want to be ballers and drink crystal in the clubs and throw money around and stupid shit like that. We do not as a culture want to know that there is a long road to success, and of course this keeps people from succeeding and keeps them down.
If you really did learn more from your failures, shouldn’t the white trash and black trash all be brilliant and super successful? No. You need to be able to contextualize failure and recognize what to learn from it, and you only can do that by contrasting it with successes.