A reader writes:
My story is pretty simple i met a girl through a few mutual friends (whom also girls) and i started dating her, 2 weeks into this relationship she tells me that she isn’t ready to be in one even tho she thought she was and that she just wants something with no commitment but she still wanted to be friends. I brush it off normally and i told her ok (beta much?). My question is..is there anyway i can salvage this basically telling her i want this no commitment hook up with no strings attached thing too without actually coming off as needy and beta like? I was actually never looking for something serious either to be honest. How would you go with this?
One word would have sufficed when she said this to you, and your answer should have been one word: “Cool.” Or something like it. Now you wrote that you said, “Ok” and then assumed this was beta. Why would this answer be beta? It’s a one word answer like I suggested about, however there’s a supplication and a surrendering to a girls frame with an ok, a statement of yes I accept your terms even though I may or may not like them. You are agreeing to her demands in a direct manner, saying yes dear would have been the only thing worse you could have said – unless of course you said okay while you were barely paying attention to her, reading a book, writing, playing a video game, watching sports, anything that you actually only let out a half assed aloof okay, like we do when we want a girl to just stop talking, but don’t really listen. Then you could have been okay with saying okay. However I assume that this isn’t how you said it at all, thus the regret. It’s amazing how a simple one word answer can mean the difference between amped ‘gina tingle, and the steel clamping of her clam shutting permanently. Thus the never ending fiasco of seduction and romance.
If it was me that this girl some how thought it was smart to use this tactic on, I would have laughed cockily and said, whoa there Chickie let’s not get ahead of ourselves – or I would have said ok, and then banged her putting the topic out of discussion. So many men take this lady routine at face value and continue to endure male suffrage at the hands of a girl who has been losing attraction for you and then had it sealed in a jar and thrown into the ocean. Trying to fix this, in an easy game strategy is not applicable here. When a girl utters these words she has already began losing attraction for you.
Don’t get me wrong though, when a girl says this, all hope is not lost, before you respond – this was a test to see how you would react. Usually there’s two reasons for this: 1) she has another guy she’s dating or come back to her (alpha that gives her attention some times and she thinks she has a chance) and she wants you to say something lame so she can rationalize breaking it off with you; or… 2) you were acting (to her) a little too needy or agreeable and she wanted to see you act aloof or dive deep into attached needy beta, thus easing her conscience about dumping you. Most girls don’t like the fact that they are unattractive to someone they once were attracted to, they don’t understand it as much as men don’t understand it – that’s why the rationalization hamster exists, it’s not really something girls do on purpose, but they have to have some way to explain their feelings and urges to the rational side of their brain.
How you answer will determine your fate with the relationship at least for the next little while, shit tests are there to determine whether you’re strong enough for her to be still attractive to her. Answer wrong and you will see a fast decline of love or even a quick dumping, certainly she will withdraw both emotionally and physically, suddenly she won’t be so available anymore, or even responsive. Answer quickly and it’s like the day you two just met, a spring’s romance will be back on your plate until you act like a wuss again to often.
But you did ask how you would proceed, and to that I will give you some advice. Two choices here. Withdraw on your own preemptively if you can, if she hasn’t started doing it already – be less available as I described above, if she takes the bait she’ll be chasing you again and you can reset the relationship and even use this to your advantage to see other girls on the side for awhile, if you so choose. This of course may just make her break up with you all the more easier, and if so, fret not, you left with some dignity and you can move on and forget about her.
But more to your specific problem, you seem to be reacting like you were sucker punched and labelled a beta when you are preaching that you are alpha, if you know what I mean. How do you tell her that you want the same thing as her? You tell her. Flat out, like my example above. Say I think you’re right, I don’t want to settle down, I want to play the field some more, I was worried you were getting to clingy, so I’m totally relieved. Then tell her you’ll call some time. If she takes the bait keep her to weekday dates, keep the weekends away from her and let her think you’re actually dating other girls even if you aren’t, and if you are then this situation shouldn’t even bother you. However I think what’s really bothering you is that you don’t want her to think you’re a beta, needy, that guy that you think she now see’s you as, I think this is really what’s bugging you, and why you asked how do you proceed. What you’re really asking is how do I save face.
Too many men that are learning game or running game get all caught up in and over analyzing everything they say and do as alpha or beta, creating a new insecurity out of something that’s supposed to be ridding yourself of. Really, alpha’s don’t care about that crap. Just do what you want, and let her think what she wants, she’s just a chick man.